Lord Bonkers' Diary: In charge of the Cowley Street press office

Saturday

In these days of Bakelite and the electric cinematograph, it is important for political leaders to appeal to the younger voter. As Cowley Street was rather undermanned over the holiday season, I naturally offered to lend a hand with the drafting of Nick Clegg’s press releases.

So when it transpired that a company called PA Consulting had lost an electronic-type computing memory stick (I am told that is the correct term), which contained personal details of all 84,000 prisoners in England and Wales (it must have been a very long stick), I naturally sprang into action and drafted the following in our Leader’s name: “Charlie Chaplin could do a better job running the Home Office than this Labour Government.”

As you can imagine, I was feeling tolerably pleased with myself, so it was no little shock when I was informed that Clegg thought this “old-fashioned”. Ever a team player, I swallowed my pride and produced something more à la mode for him the following day: “Frankly the Keystone Cops would do a better job running the Home Office and keeping our data safe than this government.”

I also suggested he say that “Jacqui Smith as Home Secretary is as lost as Mollie Sugden in ‘Come Back Mrs Noah’,” but that was not thought suitable. Really, how much more up to date can one get?

People who like This Sort of Thing may enjoy:

• Monday: Expelled from China
• Tuesday: Brain Cotter fails to catch fire
• Wednesday: The enthronement of Tavish Scott
• Thursday: Meet Paris Stilton
• Friday: “Still single? Yngle!”