Lord Bonkers' Diary: The more hot-headed young badgers

Once again, I suspect apologies are due to T.H. White, the Revd J.P. Martin and Kenneth Grahame.

Saturday

I make my way to the woody bank that lies beneath the Ornamental Arch I had erected here on the Bonkers Hall Estate to mark the victory of Wallace Lawler in the Birmingham Ladywood by-election of 1969. After making sure I am not observed, I rap upon a door that is half obscured by foliage and am admitted to the home of the King of the Badgers.

You may have read of the beastly cull of these noble and stripy creatures instituted by the Conservative Party to retain their grip upon the farming vote. Here in Rutland I have endeavoured to even up the odds by supplying firearms to the badgers; my visit this morning, as well as being a social call upon this most sagacious of companions, is paid with the purpose of collecting payment for these munitions. (It’s remarkable the riches badgers turn up when they dig and snuffle at the roots of things.)

After signing his cheque, the King of the Badgers confides in me that he is worried about the more hot-headed young badgers, who are full of talk of strangling the new leader of the Ukip Party. I reply that if I were in his shoes I should do nothing to discourage them.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

Previously in Lord Bonkers' Diary

• The Hinge and Bracket of English pace bowling
• Confessions of a Cabinet Minister
• Some silly ass with a hyphen
• "Just the sort of tomfool idea I would expect"
• I would only have spent it on drink