Lord Bonkers' Diary: Who’ll look silly then?

If you're surprised that Lord Bonkers knows about emails, you really haven't understood him. From the steam-driven Shuttleworth press to the EARS trumpet, he has been at the forefront of harnessing new technology to help the Liberal cause.

Characteristically, he was the first man to have a telephone in Rutland. (It proved something of a disappointment, as it never rang.)

Wednesday

My electronic inbox is full of green-ink emails complaining about fifteen-minute cities – apparently they are the work of the devil, George Soros, the Word Economic Forum and, no doubt, the Elders of Zion too. 

It happens that I live in a fifteen-minute village: though the drive of Bonkers Hall is fashionably long, with a following wind I can still reach Mr Patel’s shop within that time. If I use the secret passage that comes out in the cellar of the Bonkers’ Arms, I can arrive even sooner. 

But what shall I do about these vexatious correspondents? Making a brisk perambulation of the village green this morning, I have a brainwave. 

Some years ago, I became intrigued by the fate of the Spanish Armada and the legend that several of its ships sank in Rutland Water. I organised an archaeological investigation - the strong tides were a particular problem - but we found nothing beyond the occasional bemused whiting and I found myself left with several dozen pairs of lead diving boots. I hurry home and offer them for sale to those correspondents. 

Rather naughtily, I write: "Wearing these beauties, it will take you several hours to walk to the corner shop. Who’ll look silly then?"

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West 1906-10.

Earlier this week...

• We no longer teach even the half Opik
• Much fun may be had from a pig sty