Lord Bonkers' Diary: They have failed to seize control of Belvoir Castle

Don't tell Lord Bonkers, but I suspect you weren't worrying about those beavers. In fact, I suspect that you heard more than enough about them last time. 

At least the old brute is continuing the Bonkers' ancestral feud with the Dukes of Rutland by more subtle means these days, though I expect he still has that Wellington bomber stabled on an outlying farm.

Friday

His was a voice of calm, compassion and reason in this modern maelstrom of events, but now Gary Lineker is to stand down as presenter of Match of the Day. I also learn that Justin Welby has handed back his mitre after failing to ensure that awful confederate of Mary Whitehouse was hauled before the beak.

 You, however, will be wondering what’s happening with those beavers I steered towards the Duke of Rutland. To an extent, it has been a disappointment, in that they have failed to seize control of Belvoir Castle, but my agents tell me that a housemaid cannot open a linen cupboard there without finding a beaver inside – a beaver, moreover, that proceeds to lecture her on the philosophical theory of the state – with the result that the old boy can’t keep his staff. That should stop his gallop for a while!

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

Earlier this week in Lord Bonkers' Diary

• ‘The Defenestration of Ming Campbell’
• Pimped with underglow lights and belting out Hildegard of Bingen at full volume
• I catch Jennie rolling her eyes and feel a little ashamed
• The prime minister was having an affair with Stanley