House Points: The real Queen's Speech

My column from today's Liberal Democrat News.

Regal reflections

My Lords and members of the House of Commons. My government will take forward policies to respond to the rising aspirations of the people of the United Kingdom; to ensure security for all; and to entrust more power…

My first prime minister was Sir Winston Churchill. He had taken part in the British Army’s last ever cavalry charge at Omdurman. Mr Brown bites his nails.

…is committed to raising educational standards and giving everyone the chance to reach their full potential…

Mr Blair always made me read out a lot of things about improving standards in education. Now the Daily Telegraph says that standards today are no higher than they were in the 1950s. Besides, I liked the way schools were in the fifties. The girls wore ribbon in their hair and brought one flowers.

…will be introduced to ensure that young people stay in education or training until the age of 18...

One does wonder what children will gain from spending two more years at school if that school has not taught them anything by the time they are 16. One thinks of Charles and Gordonstoun.

Apparently this scheme was dreamt up by a man called Balls. I hate to think what Philip would say.

My Government will publish a draft Bill on citizenship.

The Telegraph says that means compulsory English tests for prospective citizens. It’s a good thing they were not in place when one’s ancestors came over here.

…will be brought forward to make the United Kingdom the first country in the world to introduce a legally binding framework to reduce carbon dioxide emissions…

Did you know that Queen Victoria rarely bothered to come to Westminster to open Parliament? One is beginning to see why.

…will continue to work to build a prosperous and secure European Union, better able to respond to the challenges of globalisation. Legislation will be brought forward to enable Parliament to approve the European Union reform treaty…

I hope I have more fun at St Pancras this evening. Now, did one turn the gas orff?