Lord Bonkers' Diary: Lembit in the jungle

The new issue of Liberator is with subscribers, so it is time to spend another week at Bonkers Hall.

Monday

Finding myself passing the kitchens, I call upon Cook to thank her for a delicious luncheon (and ask if there might be any of that magnificent spotted dick left). I find her in her sitting room watching her new portable moving television. As I study the screen, I see men eating a kangaroo’s penis while being showered with maggots. Something about him is familiar...

“By Gladstone!” I cry. “It’s Lembit Öpik.”

I am about to observe that the restaurants in Welshpool have clearly got no better, when Cook explains that Lembit has been sent to the jungle with a number of “celebrities” (though I must confess I have not heard of any of them except dear Brit Ekland, Nigel Havers’ lad and the sprinter fellow) and that TV viewers can vote by telephone to choose which of them should undergo an awful ordeal.

I spend the evening pounding the keys of my new mobile telephone.