Lord Bonkers' Diary: I have a nuclear option too

Another week with Rutland's most celebrated fictional peer draws to a close.

You are no doubt wondering how I am getting on as Minister for Outer Space in the Coalition Government. I flatter myself that I am doing Rather Well. For instance, I found that if you give them a free hand those civil servant wallahs will simply weigh you down with reports, memoranda and other beastly paperwork. I have put a stop to that by giving the firm instruction that my Red Boxes are to be closed at 10 a.m. sharp. One has to show who is that master, that is all – it is rather like training a fox terrier.

Some of my Liberal friends worry that we are losing our radical edge by aligning ourselves with our traditional enemies the Conservatives (or “the spawn of Beelzebub,” as I described them in a trenchant High Leicestershire Radical editorial just before the general election). Two such Liberals – jolly girls by the name of Holly and Heidi, as it happens – came along to a recent surgery of mine (as well as being a minister, I am councillor for the Bonkers Hall Ward) and to express their fears.

I put their minds at rest by telling them how I and my fellow Liberal Democrat minsters are fighting our corner. On reflection, my observations fell on the fruity side of candour (“Can I be very frank with you? I have a nuclear option ... and if that little squit Osborne doesn’t mend his ways I shall launch Rutland’s independent deterrent towards 11 Downing Street.”) As, however, I can be confident that these remarks will go no further, that hardly matters.

Previously in Lord Bonkers' Diary...

• The Great Rutland Inflation of 1752
• Richard Grayson says "Shut that door!"
• Defeating the Black and White Minstrels
• How I anticipated The King's Speech by 50 years
• A vision of Nancy Seear
• Opposing the Big Society