Lord Bonkers' Diary: "When they asked for something heavy I thought they meant T.H. Green"

I appear to have stolen the joke about a particular gentlemen's XI turning up a man short from Peter Tinniswood. In my experience, the key to being an original writer is to steal from a wide variety of authors. Alfred, for instance, long ago wandered in from A.A. Milne's Toad of Toad Hall.

Saturday

In any normal summer I would be away with my cricket XI taking on Plaid Cymru, Mebyon Kernow or the Gentlemen of Surrey (who often turn up at least one man short). As it is, I am stuck here at the Hall watching that splendid carthorse Alfred drag the roller across my own pitch. “When they asked for something heavy I thought they meant T.H. Green” he remarks morosely. 

As evening falls, I ask the local bats – I don’t mean batsmen but those little fellows with wings who squeak and hang upside down – if they have the inside track on the virus. The exchange proves something of a disappointment: despite a carefully tuned ear trumpet, I am unable to hear a word they say.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

Previously in Lord Bonkers' Diary

• "It's like a peach, dearie"
• The former has upped sticks to Seattle and the latter has fled to China
• Proper subjects such as Hard Sums
• I now resemble a beatnik
• A six pack of Smithson & Greaves