Lord Bonkers' Diary: 36, 24 and 3/6 a pound

A second day Bonkers Hall and we meet inhabitants of Rutland Water that we have not come across before.

Tuesday

I awaken in a sunnier mood and, after the eggs and b and a read of the High Leicestershire Radical, I go for a brisk walk on the shores of Rutland Water. There is a first hint of spring in the air and, sure enough, it has brought out the mermaids. 

They sit upon the rocks combing their long hair and polishing their scales. How splendid they look! It is a pleasure to hear them singing  each to each and they kindly sing to me too. 

I am tempted to return the favour by telling them the old joke about their vital statistics being 36, 24 and 3/6 a pound, but recall just in time that it Went Down Badly the last time I tried it on them. (I still have the dent in my bean from the rock that was flung.) 

On the off chance, I ask if any of them has seen Ed Davey. “Darling,” comes the husky-voiced reply, “the only Davy we know is Davy Jones.” 

At least I tried and, bearing no ill will, I tip them off that the gossip on Oakham Quay is that the inshore fisherman will try their luck in these waters at low tide.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West 1906-10.

Earlier this week...

• Under the dining table with a bottle of my best cherry brandy