Tuesday, November 16, 2021

Lord Bonkers' Diary: "I allowed two penguins to 'go back to our nunnery'"

When we last heard from him, Lord Bonkers' tour of Britain had reached a zoo in the West Country where he was living contentedly as a gorilla. 

That headline was about nuns too.

I allowed two penguins to ‘go back to our nunnery’

I am at last granted an audience with the head keeper, where I explain that, despite my costume, I am not a gorilla but a peer of the realm and press my case to be allowed to return home to the Hall forthwith. 

She, however, is implacable: “If I believed every sob story I heard from an animal I soon wouldn’t have a zoo at all. When I was a junior keeper I allowed two penguins to ‘go back to our nunnery’ and I didn’t half get into trouble. So it’s a no from me. Beat your chest when you get back to your cage. The punters like that.”

Yes, gentle reader, zoo life is beginning to pale. The taste of bananas has become a torment to me and I have been moved next door to the hyenas, who have no conversation and snigger at everything – one might as well be living with a pack of Twitter influencers. The conclusion to all this is clear: I shall have to abandon the usual channels and make my escape.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West. 1906-10.


Matt Pennell said...

Lord Bonkers is being very tight-lipped about what this zoo is. If it's Longleat surely he could have a word with Lord Bath's descendents. The Lord was a Wessex Regionalist, all-round libertine and a party man through and through!

Jonathan Calder said...

I get the impression this is a bit of a Second XI zoo. No doubt its identity is one of those questions that will occupy scholars for years to come.

Matt Pennell said...

People often talk about illegal backstreet zoos, and that this is a particular problem in the rural hinterland around Bristol. I don't want to get Lord Bonkers into trouble for aiding and abetting an unlicensed operation but maybe he has a case himself, in terms of kidnapping and modern day slavery.

Let's face it we've all been on the wrong end of misunderstandings like this during hitch-hiking or barge-hopping tours of the country.