Talking of polar bears

My House Points column from today's Liberal Democrat News.

While we are on the subject of polar bears, you may be interested in knowing how Knut is getting on.

Bear necessities

When you are thinking of the causes of global warming, do not overlook the influence of the House of Commons. A major debate can produce enough hot air to wipe out an entire colony of polar bears.

Things are not that much better during the long recesses. If you could wander through the deserted offices you would find the annunciator screens - the numerous television sets placed around Westminster which announce the business of the two houses - still switched on and showing the message “House adjourned”.

One MP with a chance of doing something about this is Nick Harvey. He is a member of the House of Commons Commission, the body that does things like maintain the fabric of the building and employ Commons staff. As its spokesman, uniquely for a Liberal Democrat, he gets to answer questions in the House as well as ask them.

On Monday, as half a dozen bears looked on anxiously from the public gallery, discussion turned to this waste of energy - not just the screens but electric lights too. Nick urged members to turn them off when they were not needed.

The Tory Andrew Robathan suggested a more technological solution. He wanted “modern techniques of switching off lights” that “operate on infra-red”.

Ah, replied Nick, but these have already been tried, notably in Portcullis House, the new block across Westminster Bridge Road. It turned out there had been “many complaints from hon. Members working late in the evening that they were plunged into darkness sitting at their desks because they had not moved sufficiently to trigger the infra-red light sensors”.

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Talking of polar bears - and they would at least make MPs move about enough to keep the lights on - brings to mind an old joke…

Mummy, am I a polar bear?

Yes dear, you are.

Mummy, are you sure I'm a polar bear?

Yes dear, I'm sure.

Mummy, are you really really sure I'm a polar bear?

Yes dear, I'm quite sure. Now why do you keep asking?

'Cos I'm bloody freezing, that's why.