Keeping cool with the TUC

At the 2007 Lib Dem Conference I wrote a piece on the stalls for Comment is Free:

By common consent, the most generous stall is the one run by the Trades Union Congress. It is handing out classy home office sets, including a fan that runs off your computer as you write.

I got out my fan today. It still works and is keeping me cool as I write this.

Thank you, brothers.

We need a proper leadership contest

With Steve Webb announcing this morning that he is not to stand for the leadership, it looks as though we may be down to a Clegg vs Huhne contest.

I think that is a great shame. I should have liked to see both David Laws and Steve Webb standing. That way we should have a lively contest with a range of opinion represented and a number of personable candidates.

And there would have been much more chance of the Liberal Democrats recapturing the public imagination.

What I fear now s that we shall have a repeat of the last leadership contest. Then Lib Dem MPs largely closed ranks around Ming Campbell - David Steel went so far as to call on them to ensure that Ming's was the only name on the ballot papers set before the membership. The press was pretty solidly behind Ming too.

All this meant that there was little proper debate. And the party chose the wrong leader as a result.

The West Pier, Brighton

The Liberal Democrat Conference has been held in Brighton regularly in recent years, which has given regular attenders the chance to observe the sad and progressive decline of the West Pier. Even the enormous flocks of starlings which used to inhabit the ruins seems to have left now.

It wasn't always like this, as this West Pier website tells.

It was the second leisure pier to be built in Britain and one of only two to be Grade I listed. It was originally built as a simple promenade, but eventually acquired a bandstand, a theatre a 1400-seat concert hall. The addition of new landing stages in 1894 made it possible for steamboats to use the pier as a terminus for travel to France, the Isle of Wight, Bournemouth, Weymouth and Dover.

In the Edwardian era novelties and shows took place on the end of the pier. A manacled strongman used to dive into the sea on a bicycle with his clothes aflame. These shows were stopped when a crowd of hundreds saw him drown one day.

In its 1920s the pier had its own resident orchestra - Elgar conducted it. The theatre presented plays, pantomimes and ballets all year round. In its heyday, it attracted 2 million visitors a year.
After that, the West Pier's career seems to have been one of gentle decline. It is hard to find out much about its later history, but you can see it in the films Oh! What a Lovely War (1969) and Carry on Girls (1973).

The pier closed in 1975 and there have been plans to restore and reopen it ever since, even thought the sea was systematically reclaiming it. But it became an inconvenient building and, as inconvenient buildings have a way of doing, it burnt down.

More information and links at Wikipedia.

Stanley Unwin explains Lib Dem policy on Europe

At the Glee Club on Wednesday night the Liberal Revue team - or a rather depleted subset of it - presented four sketches.

Catherine Furlong appeared as Nigella Lawson, and I was involved in a Two Johns sketch and an episode of Round the Ming.

I also gave an explanation of our leader's policy on a European referendum in the guise of Professor Jonathan Calder:

I have been asked – all polite and requesty – by Ming the Merciflold to explain to you our new polytito on the European Unibode.

Though confdentimost, conference, if there’s a mercifold one in that marriage, it’s Elspeth. Indeedy-ho!

Now historibold, which is of the oldest, we have the European wars. Schlesswig versy Holstein. Alsace versy Lorraine. And all huffalo dowder until the Congress of Viennit with the replay at Villy Park next Tuesday.

In 1945 there is a new thorcus. All the natiomost of Europe join together in a peacy.

And from this we have the joy of the Eurovision song contest. All boom and bangit with Sandy Shore, Cliff Richibold – there’s a falolloper – and the Bucksy Fizz.

This, of course, is the home of the Norveige nul points – and sulky up the fijord ever since.

Fundamold to this new Europe is the swap and trade it. At first we have it all back and forward across the borders with “please have your passy portit open for inspection”.

And this is of a great waste of time, with estimate have it and 20 billion Euro a year – and that’s without the countit and the declimly point in the wrong place!

Unfortumost – all shame and sobit – the Britly people are not keen and soldy. What they ask of the Britly passport? What of the pound and perch and of the Queen and reignit herself?

Hear their cryimost: give me bendy bananas or death and end it!

For this Ming has a new thorcus – ingenimost though it is. We have the referendium.

A refererndium – moreover and extramost – not on the Constitutioner but on the whole goddam Euroimost shooting match.

In or out, matey? That’s the question. We can’t shakeabout any longer, despite the poply song with the knees up and bunting.

So how is run and work it, this referendium? All puzzlibod, I hear you.

Here in Britly we have a tradition of the firsty past the post. Or as we say, the cross and stuffit.

We Libby Dems have a prefer of the PR. And not only that, but the single and transfer it in the multimember too.

Here we have the long ballot and the placey of the one with the favourite and two and threep – and add 07 if you want Brian to stay in the kitchy, indeedy ho!

With the referendium the words on the bally paper – the precise and askit of the question – becomes of the importimost.

And conference I can reveal to you – alone and exclusimost – the verbatim and word for word of it.

And I quotey:

“Have you stopped beaty of the wife and stay in Europe. Or do you want to lose your job and employit with the folly of a no?”

If we don’t mention of the bendy banana we’ll be home and squeakit with that one.

No questions? Deep joy.

Round the Horne? Stanley Unwin? You don't think we are getting old, do you?

Anyway, last year Professor Jonathan Calder explained our new taxation policy.

Do not watch this: Lembit at the Glee Club

Jonathan Wallace has posted a video of Lembit's execrable performance at the Glee Club in Brighton on Wednesday night.

You don't know any Uzbek magnates who could be persuaded to have his site taken down do you?

Liberal Democrat News: Calder at Conference

I have a column in today's Liberal Democrat News. It was written at an internet cafe in Brighton.

Unfortunately, you cannot visit Craig Murray's website at the moment. But you can still buy his book.

The joy of fame

It can be dangerous to make generalisations about Conference. I remember sitting in the bar of the Metropole Hotel in Brighton one evening last year and chatting to a distinguished Liberal Democrat. We agreed there were more young people in the throng of Conference attenders than there used to be and that this was an encouraging sign for the party.

Then a third person joined us and explained that everyone was looking younger to us because we were getting older.

And this year I called in at the Metropole on the first evening and was shocked at how quiet it was. Was the party in terminal decline? No, because I then found out that it is not the main Conference hotel this year.

Even so, I think there are some things you can safely say about the way Conference is changing. One of these is that something odd has happened to the fringe meetings.

At one time these were largely organised by internal party groups with the aim of raising their profile or changing party policy. Now they are organised by outside charities and pressure groups with the aim of signing up the Liberal Democrats to their agenda.

This has its positive side: it shows we are taken seriously by all these lobbyists. And the free refreshments are welcome too.

But the danger is that we will stop thinking for ourselves and just buy in policy from these outside. At its worse this could lead to a ‘rainbow coalition’ view of politics where we will win if only we can stitch together enough interest groups.

That didn’t work for Labour or the American Democrats in the 1980s, and it won’t work for us.
One thoroughly old-fashioned fringe meeting I attended – the speaker arrived late and there was not a refreshment in sight – was organised by Liberator and the Lib Dem peace and security people.

Craig Murray was certainly worth waiting for. He is the former ambassador to Uzbekistan who stood against Jack Straw in Blackburn at the last election, and he gave a riveting talk about his experiences. If you want to know more about him then seek out the lively website he runs or buy his book Murder in Samarkand.

The latest news is that the director Michael Winterbottom is planning to film the book with Steve Coogan playing Craig. There can’t be many former chairs of Dundee Liberal Students who have had a movie made about them.

Lord Bonkers' introduction to the Liberator songbook

As ever, there was a new Liberator songbook on sale at the Brighton Conference.

Someone asked if it wouldn't be greener of us to encourage people to use last year's book. In our defence, we pointed out that we do recycle the songs.

One thing that certainly was new this year was Lord Bonkers' introduction:

Bonkers Hall
Rutland
Tel: Rutland 7

Those of us who have long fostered links between Liberalism and the world of popular music were cheered by the news of Lembit Öpik's engagement to the Cheeky Girls.

And what jolly girls they are! Because they jiggle about so, I have never been sure quite how many of them there are - indeed, I am not convinced that Lembit knows himself - but there is no doubt that they will prove both a boon and an ornament to our party.

There are those, I know, who have question Lembit's decision. How, they ask, will it be received by the voters? Some fear in particular the reaction in Montgomeryshire where, they reason, the voters do not like That Sort Of Thing.

How short people's memories are! Have they forgotten my time as the Liberal Party's "spin doctor" in the 1950s? The better informed amongst you will know that whilst fulfilling that role I engineered a romance between Clement Davies and all three of the Beverley Sisters.

Far from its provoking disapproval, the goodwill this story generated enabled our candidates to come within hailing distance of saving their deposits in several by-elections and Davies himself comfortably retained his seat - the very one now occupied with such distinction by Lembit Öpik.

Reading this new edition of the songbook I am cheered to find that all my old favourites have been included. It would be a nice gesture, however, if space could be found for the Cheeky Girls' "The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum)" in future editions.

Bonkers

You can find his lordship's introductions from 2005 and 2006 on this blog.

Meanwhile, Lord Bonkers is consulting his legal advisers after being described as "a sub-Lord Gnome character" by the Guardian's Ros Taylor.

Ming Campbell's speech

It seems I missed a treat through my selfless decision to stay and guard the Liberator stall yesterday.

Incidentally, whatever happened to the live TV relay of proceedings from the hall that we used to get in the stalls area?

Anyway, you can find the full text of the speech on ePolitix. And Liberal Democrat Voice has summaries of the reaction from the press and from Lib Dem bloggers.

Blogging live from the Liberator stall

Another first for Liberal England.

I am minding the shop while everyone goes to hear the leader's speech.

I've no idea what Ming is saying, but I am sure that it will silence all doubters and show that three-party politics is here to stay.

Ming Campbell loses his seat

I was helping out in the Lib Dem News office here at Brighton earlier this week.

We wanted to use a photograph of Ming's question-and-answer session with Sandi Toksvig on the front page. The trouble was that every shot we had showed a mighty Toksvig lowering over our beloved leader. In the end we had to choose a different picture altogether.

I now know why those photos were so bad.

The stools had been carefully adjusted and positioned to show Ming to best advantage. Unfortunately, though, when the two of them went out on to the stage they sat the wrong way round.

Home alone elephant shock

Duncan Borrowman has the story.

Comment is Free: The Lib Dem Conference stalls

I have another piece on Comment is Free this morning...

At home in the stalls

If you want know what the Liberal Democrats are really like, don't listen to the debates in the conference hall.

Don't even go to the fringe meetings that fill every function room in Brighton. These days they are organised by outside pressure groups here to seek the party's support rather than by Lib Dem members themselves.

Instead, you should visit the stalls area to see the way that the homemade and well-meaning sits alongside the professional and ambitious.

In a good year, commercial stalls can be a useful source of income to the Liberal Democrats. Back in the 1980s I spent a summer working for the Liberal party conference office. This being the old Liberal party, it was naturally housed in two semi-converted narrow boats moored deep in the Leicestershire countryside.

It was one of those crazy periods when the Liberal/SDP Alliance had just won a startling byelection and everyone thought it was going to form the next government. The phones were hot with companies ringing up to ask if exhibition space was still available. We kept increasing the price, and they kept agreeing to pay it.

This time things are calmer, but corporate exhibitors still provide a valuable service to Lib Dems at the conference: they are a source of free gifts.

By common consent, the most generous stall is the one run by the Trades Union Congress. It is handing out classy home office sets, including a fan that runs off your computer as you write.

Parents use these freebies as presents to salve their guilt at being away from their children for the week, but this year the fun to be had from them is limited. The Greater London Authority, for instance, is giving away a Top Trumps game, but it is one designed to teach you ways of reducing your carbon footprint.

Lib Dem children may appreciate the GLA's shower timer more: it ensures you stay in for just four minutes.

Stressed delegates can take advantage of the chillout zone run by the company Breathing Spaces. There delegates can escape the hurly burly and benefit from reflexology, shiatsu or Indian head massage at £10 a session. I did ask, but Ming Campbell has not been seen there yet.

Then there are the party stalls. Liberal Democrat Youth and Students are using theirs to campaign in favour of an emergency motion calling on the party to oppose deportations to Darfur.

You can buy campaigning materials from the Association of Liberal Democrat Councillors. You can pick up the latest gossip from Liberator - the magazine that serves as the party's Private Eye as well as its New Statesman. You can take part in the Lib Dem History Group's poll to find the greatest Liberal. Mill, Keynes, Gladstone and Lloyd George are all on the ballot paper.

Whoever is in charge of the stalls area has a sense of humour. The Lib Dem Friends of Israel have been placed opposite the Lib Dem Friends of Palestine. The Lib Dem Christian Forum is next door to the Lib Dem Humanist and Secularist Group.

It is a tribute to the essential niceness of the party that so far no wall has been built and no one has been burned at the stake.

Secondhand bookshops in Brighton

If you can drag yourselves away from the debates, The Book Guide's East Sussex pages may be useful.

Book review: Reinventing the State

Those nice people at Comment is Free have just asked to write something else for them. While I do, blogging will be light.

In the mean time, here is the short piece on Reinventing the State that I wrote for them the other day...


Chapters Diverse

They are strange beasts, these Liberal Democrats.

Ask what their party stands for and they will tell you it exists to champion liberty. And the Lib Dems do have an honourable record of speaking up for civil liberties.

But you will also find them as keen for government to intervene on the side of equality as any socialist. And the Lib-Lab administration that ran Holyrood before May's election was hotter on the more back-of-the-hairbrush aspects of the nanny state than its Westminster counterpart.

A book published on the eve of the Lib Dem conference tries to make sense of these conflicting instincts.

Reinventing the State, a collection of essays by the party's great and good, is edited by David Howarth MP and two former party policy chiefs.

Howarth himself shows that Liberal Democrats are not libertarians. For them, property rights are human inventions that must be justified by the sort of society they produce. If that society's members are suffering through inequality, then the state should act.

That is clear. The problems start when Lib Dem MPs write about their fields of interest.

After a decade of Labour government they should be discussing why the party's social policies have had disappointing results and explain what liberals would do differently.

But you would never guess from Matthew Taylor that the Lib Dems have had interventionist family policies for more than 10 years. Or from Tim Farron's chapter on farming that the industry has been heavily subsidised for more than 60. Their eyes are still on their local Tory rivals.

Chris Huhne offers a more promising approach, arguing that the British state fails to deliver because it is so centralised. People who fear that localism will increase inequality are wrong, he says, precisely because the current set-up is so bad at delivering social justice.

Lib Dem activists will hope he is right. They like localism in theory, but fears of postcode lotteries and two-tier systems have launched a thousand local press releases.

And they will appreciate the way Huhne's vision of a rich diversity of local provision contrasts with the Tory idea of popular schools taking over the rest: "It's been a good half for the school: the match with Harrow was won, and St Custard's was purchased through a leveraged buy out."

Books like this are often produced (and bought) out of a sense of duty. But the chapters by Howarth and Huhne suggest some Lib Dems understand there is more to politics than delivering leaflets.

More on the Lib Dem blog awards

The BBC has a report on the winners. And this picture comes from the blog written by Millennium Elephant.

If I were the judges, incidentally, I would be careful. I don't suppose Millennium will forget.

Ming and the October general election story

Gordon Brown moved yesterday to end speculation about a snap general
election...

write Larry Elliott and Michael White in today's Guardian.

Which is interesting, as the gossip around the Conference in Brighton is that Team Ming has been talking up the possibility of an October general election as a way of shoring up the leader's position.

Craig Murray in Brighton

Craig Murray spoke in Brighton last night at a fringe meeting organised by Liberator and the Lib Dem peace and security group.

He arrived late and I had to leave early, but in between I heard enough to know that he is a courageous man and a very good speaker.

You can read his blog. And one day you may be able to watch the movie. Meanwhile, you should buy his book.

Lib Dem blog award winners

Congratualtions to James Graham for winning Blog of the Year. The full list of winners is over at Liberal Democrat Voice.

So that's two years running that me and the elephant have been shortlisted but not won.

What's that, Millennium? You want to sing a song with me? Here goes:

Why am I always a bridesmaid,
Never the blushing bride?
Ding! Dong! Wedding bells
Always ring for other gals.
But one fine day –
Please let it be soon –
I shall wake up in the morning
On my own honeymoon.

Photo Caption of the Day

From a leaflet promoting Colin Ross's campaign to get on the Lib Dem list for the West Midlands in the next European elections:

EU experience: Colin shares his concerns with the Andorran foreign minister, Juli Triquell.

Ming meets the bloggers

I am in Brighton and have just taken part in Ming Campbell's "Meet the Bloggers" session. This was essentially a press conferences with the five people shortlisted for the Lib Dem Blog of the year award.

I shall write it up shortly, but there are no startling revelations to report and we bloggers behaved much like any other journalists would.

Still, it is good that the party is making the effort to connect with bloggers and it is clear that they read us closely at Cowley Street - even if nobody else does.

Thanks to Ming's official site for the photo.