Showing posts with label Lord Bonkers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lord Bonkers. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 23, 2026

Lord Bonkers Diary: "Burnham is hiding In The North"

I am surprised to see Lord B. inviting a Labour peer to lunch at the Hall. Time was, he would have hunted him with hounds over the hills of High Leicestershire.

With this entry, our week at Bonkers Hall comes to a close. Don't forget to download the latest issue of Liberator from the magazine's website.

Sunday

Cook is pleased I am being “economical – like they are in the church sometimes” by inviting a Labour peer over for lunch. 

“You must be worried about that Burnham fellow,” I remark to him as he fields the gravy boat. “Starmer always went AWOL when there was trouble, and the new man seems no better. Perhaps you should use that new alert system of yours to ask people to look in their garages and sheds in case he’s hiding there.” 

“Yes, he hides just like Starmer did,” admits my guest, “but there’s one important difference: Burnham is hiding In The North.”

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

Earlier this week

Tuesday, September 22, 2026

Lord Bonkers' Diary: Very much against buttocks

I tried telling the old boy that the Port of Dover has its own police force, whose relations with the Kent force has at times been opaque, but he was determined to give it both barrels this time.

Saturday

I am disgusted at the events in Dover. We used to know how to deal with these Blackshirt types – come to think of it, I believe there’s still a Wellington bomber in an outbuilding of some farm or other on my estate. I shall have it serviced, repainted and put at the disposal of the Chief Constable of Kent, who currently appears to have his priorities out of goose. No wonder Violent Bonham Carter staged his “spontaneous” bank jobs in Kent, though I don’t think even he was given a police escort back to the borders of London. 

In its way, though, the scene I encountered atop the White Cliffs back in the summer disturbed me more. A small group had dropped their trousers (or lifted their skirts) and were displaying their bare buttocks to the English Channel. When I asked what the dickens was going on, I was told it was a coach party of BBC staff, there to demonstrate the corporation’s abhorrence of the asylum seekers who arrive on this stretch of coast in small boats.

Said party seemed to be very much Auntie’s second XV – I recognised a minor Dimbleby, someone who may have been Moira Anderson and that was all. It would never have happened in Lord Rieith’s day, not least because, as I recall, he was very much against buttocks.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

Earlier this week

Monday, September 21, 2026

Lord Bonkers' Diary: You’re unlikely to be there when you get there

Were Freddie and Fiona burnt alive in a giant wicker rabbit on the village green at Beltane or not? It looks as though the Sisters know more than they're letting on.

Friday

One does meet the most interesting people in Westminster. This morning it is the man who puts up the shelves at 10 Downing Street. With our new prime minister shelving so many of the plans he once boasted of, business has never been better for him. He is so flush that he stands me a drink, which I think very sporting of him. 

Being in Westminster, I think of Freddie and Fiona, particularly when I pass the tree behind which I used to hide if I suspected they wanted me for something. So, when I arrive back at the Hall, I hurry to the hills of High Leicestershire and the Convent of Our Lady of the Ballot Boxes to ask the Mother Superior if she knows what became of them. 

She is noncommittal, but as she lights our cheroots, she recalls that they mentioned something about “travelling to Tibet to find themselves”. I point out that Tibet is Very Hard To Get To, so you’re unlikely to be there when you get there. 

Better, I suggest, to look somewhere like Corby, which has good bus links, including an hourly service from the stop opposite the Bonkers Arms.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

Earlier this week

Sunday, September 20, 2026

Lord Bonkers' Diary: They don’t shout “Get in the hole!”

I used to wonder why the Liberal Party had never talked about Wallace Lawler, Read the comments on this post and you will see why. I haven't dared raise the subject with Lord Bonkers.

The old boy is more on the ball with golf courses and terrorism. This is from the Guardian last month: "Seven people charged with vandalising Donald Trump’s Turnberry golf course in Scotland have been accused of malicious damage 'having a terrorist connection'."

Thursday

Dusk finds me wending my way to the palatial sett beneath the triumphal arch I had erected to celebrate the victory of Wallace Lawler in the Birmingham Ladywood by-election of 1969. My host, the King of the Badgers, is relieved that the drought has broken, as his fellow members of the genus Meles had been obliged to frequent the nation’s golf courses to find ground soft enough to dig for invertebrates. 

Now, I have no quarrel with badgers on golf courses – they don’t wear loud plaid trousers or shout “Get in the hole!” – but some members have cut up rough about their greens being cut up. Then some fool decided that digging up a golf course counts as terrorism (that’s Labour for you), so things were threatening to turn ugly until the rain came. 

Incidentally, if you are playing the 13th on the Royal & Decrepit’s links beside Rutland Water, aim for the sett in the centre of the 12th fairway: an iron shot down its throat will see your ball reappear inches from the flag on the green you are interested in.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

Earlier this week

Saturday, September 19, 2026

Lord Bonkers' Diary: Fifty Shades of Earl Grey

This should keep the literary types among you happy, though I doubt that Ofsted will be so pleased.

Wednesday

History is all the rage on the electric podcasts, so I have taken advantage of the papers in my library to write a revisionist biography of a leading Whig statesman. You wouldn’t believe what the fellow got up to! 

I won’t say it’s racy, but I happen to know that the Well-Behaved Orphans have got hold of a copy of the manuscript and are loaning it out to my domestic staff at half a crown per chapter. “Coo!” one young inmate complimented me, “That’s the only book I know what falls open at every page, Lord B.” 

So, if you fancy having a flutter on who’ll top the spring bestsellers list, back my forthcoming Fifty Shades of Earl Grey.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

Earlier this week


Friday, September 18, 2026

Lord Bonkers' Diary: Meeting Count Binface in Westminster

I don't know if Nick Clegg does have a Dutch uncle, but there must be every chance.

Tuesday

Who should I meet in Westminster but Count Binface? Having long wished to talk to him like a Dutch uncle – Nick Clegg, incidentally, has a literal Dutch uncle – I invite him to lunch at my club. 

There I tell him I have been through the Almanach de Gotha twice and can find no mention of a Binface family. I realise that inventing an aristocratic title for yourself makes it easier to cash a cheque, but if an Oxbridge comedian’s career has stalled, there are recognised ways for him to earn some money. 

I urge him: “Either write a children’s book, man, or get the BBC to make you the chairman of a panel show.”

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

Earlier this week


Thursday, September 17, 2026

Lord Bonkers' Diary: Wah-wah brass and boings on the timpani

The new issue of Liberator has dropped. Download it free of charge from the magazine's website.

And that, whether we like it or not, means it's time to set out on another week with Rutland's most popular fictional peer.

Monday

A productive morning at PieTown studios in Melton Mowbray. Having heard rumours (I do miss Freddie and Fiona giving me the inside track on the party) that Ed Davey is determined to spend the next election campaign as he spent the last – falling off paddle boards and wrestling gorillas in custard – I hit upon the idea of providing a musical accompaniment for his antics. 

So, along with handpicked members of Earl Russell’s Big Band, I have been busy recording ascending and descending slide whistles, wah-wah brass and boings on the timpani. Add to this our arrangement of Benny Hill’s celebrated theme ‘Yakety Sax’ and you have a package that will confound the critics who claim Davey lacks the gravitas required of a leading national politician.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

Sunday, September 13, 2026

Zoo advertises tickets for 'child predator tour'

BBC News wins our Headline of the Day Award for this tale from Chester.

I am reminded of the glory days of Lord Bonkers' safari park at the Hall.

Friday, September 11, 2026

A website on Alec Guinness's two BBC series as George Smiley

Here's what we need: a website devoted to the BBC productions of John le Carré’s Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy and Smiley's People.

Guinness is Smiley explains:

The aim of this website is to publish fresh material about both series, identify some of the filming locations and signpost visitors to the wonderful content that is already out there. This website is not a commercial endeavour and will hopefully be of interest to fans of both productions.

I have my dad to thank for my love of these series.  He watched each episode beside me when they were first broadcast, but I understood only a little of what I saw back then. As an adult I have seen them many times and find them endlessly compelling and fascinating. The intricacies of the plot and the quality of the acting keep me coming back time after time.

Lord Bonkers had a similar reaction:

Yes, I miss Paddy Ashdown. I miss his correspondence – those envelopes marked "Top Secret: Burn Before Reading" that arrived by every post – and I miss his company. Despite Ashdown's best efforts, I never could quite get my head around Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. "What exactly was Toby Esterhase up to?" I would ask him, and "So did old Smiley do right by Ricki Tarr in the end?" 

Now Paddy is gone there is no one in the party to explain this to me. I tried asking Ming Campbell the other day, but he just told me Sir Percy Alleline was a fine upstanding fellow and that he wouldn’t listen to a word against him.

Wednesday, August 12, 2026

Nether Hambelton emerges from beneath Rutland Water

The remains of a lost Rutland village can currently be seen because of the drought, reports ITV News:

Low water levels at Rutland Water reservoir in the East Midlands have uncovered the remains of the buildings which were once part of the village of Nether Hambleton.

Residents in the hamlet, along with other small villages including Middle Hambleton, were relocated to other areas before the buildings were demolished and the area flooded in the 1970s to create the reservoir.

Lord Bonkers has been known to give those who believe the reservoir dates from the 1970s the disparaging label "Rutland Water truthers".

Thursday, August 06, 2026

Before Paddington Bear there was Mary Plain

If the Paddington phenomenon has Gone A Bit Far, as Lord Bonkers would put it, is there an alternative bear whose adventures we can enjoy?

There is. A post on Scones and Chaises Longues has reminded me that I enjoyed the Mary Plain books when I was very young:

Readers of a certain age (mine) may remember Gwynedd Rae's Mary Plain books. I have fond memories of sitting on one of the little wooden chairs in the children's section of Bromley Public Library, working my way through the adventures of the bear cub from Berne while my mother chose her novels from the grown ups' shelves.

The series was old before I first encountered it (I don't quite date from 1937...although the last Mary P book was not published until 1965), and I did wonder how it would read now, all these decades later. I needn't have worried; I enjoyed Mary Plain on Holiday just as much, in fact probably more, than I had before, because now I could also appreciate Rae's skill in creating stories that entertained children whilst also amusing their long suffering parents; their dry wit that would have flown straight over my six year old head.

Mary Plain is a small bear from the Bear Pits at Berne. And no, as a 6 year old I had no idea what Bear Pits were, nor indeed that Berne was even a place; no matter. Mary is an orphan who has grown up with her grandparents, her small cousins Little Wool and Marionette, and a large extended family. How she came to be living with her friend the Owl Man (he wears horn-rimmed spectacles) in his smart London flat is explained in the first book, Mostly Mary (though there is a diagram of Mary's family tree at the beginning of Mary Plain on Holiday.)

Mary is extremely full of herself, very inquisitive and always getting into trouble.

I assumed the book was Swiss, because Mary Plain came from Berne, and even now I remember her egotism, which was that of a small child.

An unworthy part of me wonders if Michael Bond read these books too.

Friday, July 31, 2026

Lord Bonkers' Diary: The nation’s prison governors

With this final postcard from Trescothick Bay, our latest week with Lord Bonkers' Diary draws to a close.

What did become of Freddie and Fiona? What should the Liberal Democrats' new strategy be? Who will win the 2.30 at Wincanton? The answers to these questions will no doubt be revealed when next we visit Bonkers Hall.

Sunday

My long career in public life has convinced me of an important truth: a man who will cheat at golf will cheat at anything. It was therefore no surprise to me when President Trump – can that really be his name? – pressured the organisers to cancel the suspension of the American team’s star striker at the World Cup. 

It’s beginning to look as though the Reform Party will have to pull a similar trick with the nation’s prison governors in order to field a full slate of candidates at the next election.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West 1906-10.


Earlier this week...

Thursday, July 30, 2026

Lord Bonkers' Diary: Clip the wings of the Russian Bear

I would point out that Lord Bonkers is more against Landlordism in principle than in practice, but my rent falls due on Lady Day.

Saturday

It was my old friend John Arlott who claimed that Manchester is the only city in Britain where they have lifeboat drill on the buses. No doubt the damp climate has encouraged its mayor to march on London to claim the crown – or at least the tenancy of 10 Downing Street. 

Yes, there is something Medieval about the whole affair; it’s like an episode from a school textbook on the reign of King Henry VI Part 2. 

What will this Burnham do when he gets there? I am told he is Sound on trams, which is to his credit, but hardly constitutes a programme for government. Were I to be asked – and my advice is often sought on such questions – I should counsel him to clip the wings of the Russian Bear, defend our universities (both ancient and modern) and give the scourge of Landlordism both barrels, but the Labour Party has always been in thrall to its social superiors.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West 1906-10.


Earlier this week...

Wednesday, July 29, 2026

Lord Bonkers' Diary: He would sit there like a stuffed haddock

Proof, I think. that Lord Bonkers reads this blog. The theory that Starmer was never meant to be prime minister, but was put in place as a move in Labour's civil war, comes from a Guardian article by Neal Lawson, and I have referred to it here more than once.

Friday

That Starmer fellow didn’t amount to much, did he? Cook, with her generous heart, always thought the best of him and refused to “listen to incinerations”; for myself, there’s an old Gypsy saying that holds… To be honest, I can’t remember what it holds, but I know it would be just the job here. 

My sources in the Labour Party tell me that the man was never meant to be prime minister: the idea was that he would sit there like a stuffed haddock while Mandelson and McSweeney Todd purged the party of anyone who believed in what Labour used to believe in. Then, after an honourable defeat in the 2024 election, he would have made way so that “Streeting” they used to go on about could become PM next time round. 

The moral is don’t appoint temporary leaders, as they may turn out not to be temporary at all. Vinnie Jones’s disastrous stewardship of the Royal Ballet should have alerted everyone to that danger.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West 1906-10.


Earlier this week...

Tuesday, July 28, 2026

Lord Bonkers' Diary: "Hooson, we have a problem"

I never know how much of Lord Bonkers' reminiscences to believe. In this case, I suspect he should have gone back for his Panama.

Thursday

The orphans and Cook have taken to the cool of the caves for which Trescothick Bay is noted, but I am happy here on the beach even though I have left my sun hat back at the boarding house. 

Today I have been thinking of Emlyn Hooson, an inspirational leader of our party in Wales and a source of wise counsel on any matter touching upon the Principality. His phone would ring at all hours and, more often than not, when he had answered the thing he would hear the words “Hooson, we have a problem.” 

Later in life he revealed an unexpected talent for Association football, captaining Liverpool to three league titles and two European Cups. This led to his being invited to be a team captain on the moving television show A Question of Sport, where his duels with Binkie Beaumont kept the nation on the edge of its seat.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West 1906-10.


Earlier this week...

Monday, July 27, 2026

Lord Bonkers' Diary: The arid south of Rutland

As ever, Lord Bonkers was ahead of the curve on the climate crisis. Perhaps the sands at Trescothick Bay remind him of the deserts of southern Rutland?

Wednesday

They say these heatwaves will soon render the South of England uninhabitable, which is a bit of a facer seeing as we Liberals have worked so hard to ensure we don’t have MPs anywhere else. But don’t despair: the arid south of Rutland is simply teeming with life – human life included. 

Of course, if the Home Counties do turn to desert it will require changes to the way we fight elections there, which is why, a couple of years ago, I invited some of the ALDC’s leading lights to an awayday at an oasis near Uppingham. 

There I instructed them in the polite way to canvass bedouin, the correct tying of the kafiyeh and the use of camels in Focus delivery. It won’t be my fault if we fail to gain Runnymede and Weybridge next time round.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West 1906-10.


Earlier this week...

Sunday, July 26, 2026

Lord Bonkers' Diary: Wandering Bodmin Moor at full moon and devouring constituents

Yes, Jeremy Thorpe really did pester the voters from a hovercraft that summer and Paul Tyler was on board. Lord Tyler's lawyers have asked me to point out, however, that at no time did he turn into the Beast of Bodmin at full moon or devour his then constituents.

I bet he did though.

Tuesday

Do you remember when hovercraft were all the rage? The boffins told us that within a decade we would have one each and use them to commute to the moon. As it turned out, they proved a great disappointment, but it was aboard a hovercraft that I first discovered this charming resort. Jeremy Thorpe had hit upon the idea of visiting the beaches of the South during the summer of 1974 to firm up the Liberal vote in anticipation of a second general election that autumn. 

I think it fair to say that we met with a Mixed Reception from holidaymakers – it was the way the natives of Trescothick Bay lobbed bottles at us that convinced me the village was a nest of free-thinkers among whom I should like to spend more time. 

Not everyone saw things that way. Poor Paul Tyler was so traumatised that he could be found 25 years later wandering Bodmin Moor at full moon and devouring constituents who had lacked the sense to bolt their doors, bar their shutters and remain in their cottages. Thank goodness one of the Wise Woman of Wing’s tinctures sorted him out!

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West 1906-10.


Earlier this week...

Saturday, July 25, 2026

Lord Bonkers' Diary: Searching the rock pools for "sea anomalies"

The new Liberator is out. You can download it free of charge from the magazine's website.

And that means it's time to spend another week with Rutland's most popular fictional peer. When I first mentioned the Well-Behaved Orphans' summer holiday in the pages of Liberator, Marcus Trescothick was a 14-year-old playing alongside his father for the Keynsham club in Bristol. In those days the WBOs went to a different Cornish resort: Trebilcock Bay.

Monday

I write these words in a deckchair on the sands of Trescothick Bay, the Cornish resort where I always bring the Well-Behaved Orphans for their summer holiday. As I watch, the mites are scaling the cliffs their predecessors have always declared to be "better than a chimbley", while Cook, who has accompanied us this time, is searching the rock pools for "sea anomalies". 

One advantage of being away from the Hall and Westminster is that I am no longer being pestered by Liberal Democrat HQ about what has become of Freddie and Fiona. Between you and me, gentle reader, I rather thought they had been burnt alive in a giant wicker hare by the Elves of Rockingham Forest at Beltane, but just before I left for Cornwall I overheard two young elves complaining that the "penguin ladies" had turned up at the eleventh hour to spoil their fun. 

Can it be that the sisters from the Convent of Our Lady of the Ballot Boxes rescued F&F from the flames? I shall pump Sister Sid on my return to Rutland.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West 1906-10.

Thursday, July 16, 2026

Labour's weakening of local government will do nothing for voters' confidence in the political system


So Harborough District Council is to disappear, subsumed into a single authority for the whole of the county outside the city of Leicestershire. And Leicester is to be expanded to make the hole in the doughnut bigger.

City boundaries have to be expanded from time to time, but I'm not sure the areas Leicester is taking will be delighted. For some years there has been criticism that its elected mayor Peter Soulsby, now in his fourth term, is keen on prestige projects in the city centre, but less interested in bread-and-butter issues like litter and the state of the pavements out in the suburbs.

Meanwhile, the abolition of all the district and borough councils in the county can only make government feel more distant, and this at a time when our democracy is being challenged from within and without. 

I was in Loughborough today. It's a large town with a university, but it will soon lose Charnwood Borough, the council that looks after it and its hinterland. And Leicestershire, of course, is not the only county seeing huge changes.

This revolution in local government was not mentioned in Labour's last manifesto and there has been little debate about it since the election. It does appear to have been set in place because Labour has a vision for revitalising local democracy, but simply because someone has told ministers that there is an ideal size for a council and many are smaller than this.

I am reminded of a comment by Lord Bonkers:
I’m told that when a Labour junior minister discovered that councils are not All The Same Size, he started screaming and had to be sent home in a taxi. 

Saturday, July 11, 2026

Gilbert Adair: The orphan has lost not only his parents but his status

Embed from Getty Images

This post is about another essay by Gilbert Adair, but first a quotation from Sammy Going South by W.H. Canaway. If you've not seen the movie, this is a novel about a 10-year-old British boy whose parents are killed by an RAF raid on Port Said during the Suez Crisis of 1956:

Reminded by the scene he had witnessed, he thought, I’m an orphan! The idea intrigued him. He said aloud, "I'm an orphan!" savouring the words in the air. Then he said, experimentally, “My mummy and daddy are dead,” and wished he hadn't said it, for it made him feel sad. To say "I'm an orphan" sounded not sad, but – well, important. He repeated the words again.

In his essay 'Dr Barnardo's Orphans', Adair discusses this status once enjoyed by orphans:

The prominence accorded to the orphan by nineteenth-century novelists - not only Dickens, not only in this country - became in consequence rather hypertrophied when compared to his actual footing on the social hierarchy, both qualitatively and quantitatively; and, in a much-quoted witticism from The Importance of Being Earnest (Lady Bracknell's observation that the loss of both parents resembled 'carelessness'), Wilde, no devotee of Dickensian sentimentality, mocked what might be called the rampant orphanomania of the Victorians.

But, as Adair says, time moved on and the absence of war and disease meant there were no longer the waves of orphans there had once been. After the Second World War the term came to acquire a foreign, Third World connotation - Korean orphans, Vietnamese orphans. Meanwhile, Barnardo's was diversifying its childcare activities, moving far beyond just the provision of homes for orphans.

Adair, emphasising he means to respect to the children and that he is concerned only with their public image, says the result is that:

There now strikes one as something dated and irreducibly kitschy about an orphan: a Barnardo Boy reminds one of nothing so much as a Bisto Kid. In effect, the social specificity of a nineteenth-century orphan was contingent upon an uncompromisingly normative conception of society, from which he was therefore – if in this manner alone – not alienated, since he had been assigned a codified place within it, however luckless.

Today, or at least in 1986, when Adair's Myths & Memories was published:

When what would have been regarded until quite lately as unimaginable anomalies compete with each other for the attention of the sociologist, the social worker and the investigative journalist (single-parent families, lesbian mothers, test-tube babies), the orphan has lost not only his parents but his status.

It's worse than that. The Children and Young Persons Act 1969 sought to remove the stigma if criminality from children who broke the law and treat them like any other children who are in need of care. But its effect was to spread that stigma to all children in public care.

So it is thar, today, orphans being moved between care placements are likely to find themselves put in handcuffs. We have turned being an orphan into a crime.

Reader's Voice. So your diagnosis is that we have lost the concept of the "well-behaved orphan".

Liberal England replies: Precisely. But I can console myself that I did manage to slip the phrase into my book chapter on Oliver Twist.