Lord Bonkers' Diary: Cruising with Limpet Opec

Liberator 337 arrived in the post this morning. So it is time for us to spend another week with Rutland's most celebrated fictional peer.

Monday

Snow falls upon Rutland in fat flakes, carol singers with lanterns progress from door to door and a poor man has just come in sight (he appears to be gath’ring winter fu-u-el). How happy I am to be home!

You see, a few weeks ago I decided to recharge the batteries by treating myself to a winter cruise to the Canaries. All went well – indeed I was in a deckchair sipping a G and T – until the identity of our lecturer was announced: “Mr Limpet Opec will speak on ‘Westminster: It’s a Funny Old World!’” Limpet Opec? I knew who the fellow meant at once.

I did go along to his talk with my hat pulled well down, in the hope that Öpik had brought those jolly Cheeky Girls along, but it turned out not to be the case. When his talk turned to “Why I was right to claim those wigs on expenses” I could stand no more. Taking with me only a cabin boy to eat in case of emergency (as is, I believe, conventional), I took to a lifeboat and cast myself adrift.