Lord Bonkers' Diary: "He spelt his name with an omelette"

I don't know on what evidence Lord Bonkers bases his view of Tim Farron's ambitions for St Asquith's, but he's quite insistent on the subject. He once added that he had no wish to kiss the person next to him, "unless it's Alan Beith, of course".

Tuesday

Calling by my Home for WBOs earlier today, I heard Matron tell a boy that if he didn’t eat his cabbage he would “end up like Lembit Öpik”. I suspected it was rot, but just to be on the safe side I asked Cook to be sure to serve cabbage this evening. When I explained my reasons, she sniffed and said: “I never cared for that young man. It was something to do with the way he spelt his name with an omelette.”

Cook worked her usual magic, and dinner – cabbage and all – was delicious. Afterwards I watched a news report about a church being trundled several miles across a Swedish city on a sort of giant roller skate. It occurs to me that if Farron ever gets his way at St Asquith’s – he wants to rip out the pews and have us all sing “Shine, Jesus, Shine” – I can use a similar contraption to move the old place a safe distance from the Hall. I just hope the Revd Hughes remains Sound on such matters.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

Earlier this week

• Dallas and its notorious School Book Suppository