Lord Bonkers' Diary: Those two will have to be Dealt With

If I were Freddie and Fiona, I would be looking to spend less time in Rutland in future: this is starting to sound ominous. At least the old boy got Meadowcroft out of clink.

Saturday

What a way to start the day! I am summoned to Oakham nick to stand bail for Meadowcroft, who has spent the night in the cells. It transpires that he was arrested in the village yesterday afternoon for carrying a dangerous weapon; this turns out to be the Japanese pruning sickle that Freddie and Fiona gave him the other day. (To be fair to the rozzers, is does look like something a samurai would take with him if he was going to have it out with another samurai.) I really think those two will have to be Dealt With.

To cool myself down, I spend the evening sharing a bush with a rather put out mallard and one of my gamekeepers and his orchard doughty. We Midland landowners have been on our toes ever since word got about that the British foreign secretary (at least he was this morning) David Lammy and America’s VP JD are in the habit of fishing without licences. 

I tend to leave questions of fishing rights on Rutland Water to my old friend Ruttie, the Rutland Water Monster, who is equally adept at dealing with lone poachers and foreign-owned trawlers, but I retain command of the lakes on the Bonkers Hall Estate. Neither bigwig puts in an appearance, but we shall be ready for them when they do.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

Earlier this week

• Dallas and its notorious School Book Suppository
• "He spelt his name with an omelette"
• Streets given over to foxes and feral cats
• A fully-funded scholarship and chauffeur-driven Rolls
• A damned shame