Monday, May 31, 2021

Lord Bonkers' Diary: His spaceport on the outskirts of Thurso

Liberator 407 is out - download it free of charge from the magazine's website - so it's time to spend another week with Rutland's most popular fictional peer.

Look out for an Important Announcement on Sunday.


I am demolishing the eggs and b. when a footman bursts in. “Your lordship,” he cries, “the canal is blocked!” I hurry over to the aforementioned waterway and find a narrow boat wedged firmly across it. 

The assembled gongoozlers offer various remedies: set the Well-Behaved Orphans to work in the mud with buckets and spades; ask the Elves of Rockingham Forest to employ their "High Elven Magic™"; telephone Jamie Stone and ask him to send some rocket fuel down from his spaceport on the outskirts of Thurso so we can (in Meadowcroft's words) "Blow the varmint clean out o' the cut." 

Whatever the best course of action proves to be, I have to admit the grounded vessel poses a ticklish problem. Here in Rutland we rely upon our canal for the export of Stilton and pork pies to the industrial Midlands. If Stilton is held at the docks for too long it can develop a distinctly gamey flavour. While I rather savour this myself, it can prove something of a hurdle when it comes to those difficult export markets.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

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