Lord Bonkers' Diary: Take a cold tub and volunteer for extra delivering

We are no nearer learning how Lord Bonkers believes the Liberal Democrats can start winning elections again, but I suppose he does have to deal with his correspondence.

Take a cold tub and volunteer for extra delivering

Lunch was enjoyable, but before I get down to writing my article I must attend to this morning’s post. What do we have? A letter from an Irish bishop inquiring about visiting hours at the aforementioned orphanage. Another from a journalist who wants to interview me about my part in the archaeological dig that discovered ‘Ashdown Man’ – at one time the old boy was thought to provide important evidence about the evolution of Liberalism in Britain, but these days people are Not So Sure.

What else do we have? Bills (we won’t bother with those), dividends from my shares in the oil rigs on Rutland Water and an illuminated address thanking me for my work in suppressing vice amongst canvassers in the West Country.

Then there are the usual letters from Liberal Democrats around the country. These tend to repeat the same questions, so over the years I have dictated standard replies to them and given each a number. Today’s required replies are: 1 (“Thank you for your kind words – I enclosed a signed photograph”), 17 (“In such a marginal seat I would recommend the use of the Bonkers Patent Exploding Focus”) and 84 (“Take a cold tub and volunteer for extra delivering”).

Now it will soon be time for tea and I really must get on with that article.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West 1906-10

Earlier in Lord Bonkers' Diary:

How the Liberal Democrats can revive their electoral fortunes

While I enjoy my Caffè Bellotti

Piracy on Rutland Water

The work of a particularly large mole