Lord Bonkers' Diary: “A mulligatawny is pleasantly warming at this time of year”

Freddie and Fiona's metamorphosis into Julian and Sandy continues apace: now I've even given them a weak punchline.

And I didn't know Lord B. drinks Monster either. Maybe it's cheaper than that cordial sold by the Elves of Rockingham Forest?

Tuesday

Popping into the supermarket for a can of Monster – that puts hair on a fellow’s chest! – I come across Freddie and Fiona busily comparing tines in the soup aisle. “A mulligatawny is pleasantly warming at this time of year,” I offer. 

It transpires that they are not planning to drink the stuff so much as pour it over the works of the Old Masters in our public art galleries to protest about the burning of fossil fuels. "I wouldn’t pick on those artist fellows," I advise. "They can be jolly temperamental at the best of times. Did you know the celebrated Dutch painter Van Morrison bit one of my forefathers while painting his portrait? He didn’t get much of a tip, I assure you." 

They will not, however, be diverted from their chosen course. When I ask why they are so determined to soup the work of the great artists, I am told: “That’s simple: they painted in oil.”

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

Earlier this week...

• No camel could have sacrificed his penis in a finer cause