Lord Bonkers' Diary: Admiring the first Lady Bonkers' obelisk

“My husband and I are old enough now to be contemplating our departure to the next world. In keeping with family tradition, we shall have effigies carved to be placed in the family chapel. Although we shall have individual heraldic animals at the head or feet of each effigy (in our case, a Staffordshire Bull Terrier rampant for him, a weeping cloud of budgies for me), we must share an escutcheon which expresses our political allegiance. He is an (horrible) old Tory and I a fervent Liberal. We both hate the Coalition, so what would you advise?” – Barking Old Trout

Hatchments! That is what you want: hatchments. When I was a young buck and wanted to impress a popsy or a stunner, I would invite her to the Hall, then walk her down the drive to St Asquith’s in the village and show her the family hatchments. It never failed to take the trick, though I have to record that the First Lady Bonkers rather trumped me by showing me her obelisk first.

Should you wish to see my hatchments for yourself, the Revd Hughes will sell you a guidebook – call at the Vicarage if you find St Asquith’s locked. However, I feel that in your circumstances, rather stronger meat is called for. I am reminded of an old friend of mine who had a short way with our Conservative and Unionist allies: may I recommend a stained glass reproduction of a contemporary print of ‘J.W. Logan giving Edward Carson one up the snoot during the committee stage of Gladstone’s Second Home Rule Bill in 1893’? I feel sure your husband will understand.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South-West 1906-10.

Previously in Lord Bonkers' Diary

• A reply to two Nick Cleggs
• The governance of Rutland