Monday, June 17, 2024

Lord Bonkers' Diary: Two of my sturdiest gamekeepers on the Thames-Clyde Express

Lord Bonkers pretends he doesn't read this blog, but I see he's picked up my interest in the idea that there are big cats living wild in the English countryside. And I hadn't heard of the Gloucestershire Incident until now.

The orchard doughty, a rough club with which Lord Bonkers' gamekeepers are routinely armed, is named after Susan Doughty (who sometimes called herself Susan Orchard Doughty), who was Liberal Democrat MP for Guildford between 2001 and 2005.

And despite Lord Bonkers fervent belief, there is no truth in the rumour that Paul Tyler metamorphosed into the Beast of Bodmin whenever there was a full moon. 


If you ask my opinion, this ‘DNA testing’ is here to stay. Terribly Clever, don’t you think? News reached me the other day that traces of a big cat have been found on a sheep’s carcass in Cumbria. You will guess what my first thought was, but my agents have made extensive enquiries and established that Paul Tyler was nowhere near the lakes and fells at the time. 

As a result, I have alerted the ALDC to a possible hazard to deliverers with remote rural rounds and, remembering the unfortunate loss of a county councillor from Gloucestershire in David Steel’s day, dispatched two of my sturdiest gamekeepers on the Thames-Clyde Express to mind the aforementioned Farron until the polls close on 4 July.

Trust in God and don’t forget your orchard doughty, as Cromwell would have put it.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

Earlier this week...

1 comment:

Phil Beesley said...

I recall an early morning BBC news interview with a parish councillor, also a bioscientist at the University of Leicester, who proposed DNA analysis to identify dogs which fouled footpaths. The interviewer introduced the councillor as "an expert in dog DNA". "Actually, I'm an expert in extracting DNA from dog excrement."