Lord Bonkers' Diary: Lighting their bonfires in my covers

If Lord Bonkers is afraid of anyone it's the Elves of Rockingham Forest. After all, no one in the Labour or Conservatives Parties is likely to turn you into a toad.

Except Priti Patel, obviously.

Friday

The days when I could blithely start a diary entry with "To Cropwell Bishop" are long past. I have not visited even Bonkers House in Belgrave Square for a year, while the Hotel Splendide, Antibes, seems a distant dream. 

The Elves of Rockingham Forest still come go as they please, lighting their bonfires in my covers without a by your leave, but the rest of us hereabouts are Doing Our Bit. 

I spend the morning making arrangements for polling day, as by tradition voters in the Bonkers Hall ward come at six to collect their Good Morning leaflets and are treated to a slap up breakfast. 

I can now confirm that this year the queue will be rigorously stewarded and that each voter will receive a takeaway meal in a bag bearing the legend: "Remember, your rents fall due on Lady Day."

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West 1906-10.

Earlier this week...

• Under the dining table with a bottle of my best cherry brandy
• 36, 24 and 3/6 a pound
• Make the Wise Woman of Wing a peeress
• Snatched from Grace Road