Sunday, June 05, 2022

Lord Bonkers' Diary: Refuge to the wanted gorilla

He's so nearly home. As long as the British Transport Police don't plug him with a tranquilliser dart he'll be holding court in the Bonkers' Arms tonight.

So I wrote last November, introducing the most diary entry from Lord Bonkers to appear on this blog. Would you believe that is precisely what happened?

The new Liberator is out (you can download it from the magazine's website - it's issue 413 - for free) and there you will find the old boy's first diary of 2022.

If you can't stand the suspense - will he get back to Bonkers Hall or not? - then read the whole diary in Liberator.

Refuge to the wanted gorilla

You left me at St Pancras station, dressed in a gorilla costume as it happens, enjoying a coffee in one of the many refreshment rooms there and looking forward to boarding the next train to Market Harborough after months away from the Hall discovering the real Britain – wandering in ancient woodlands with elves, helping win a parliamentary by-election…. You know the sort of thing. 

All at once the door burst open and a voice shouted “That’s him!” I recognised a customer who had left the establishment a few minutes before and I also recognised a rifle primed with tranquilliser darts in the hands of the officer of the British Transport Police who accompanied her. 

With characteristic quick thinking, I overturned the table to give myself cover and the act so disconcerted the police office that he missed his shot completely and winged the poor girl who was in charge of the espresso machine. Taking advantage of the resultant confusion (they were plying her with black coffee as I left), I made good my escape from the station, finally taking refuge in an area of wild country I found close by.

So it is that I have spent several months at what turned out to be Camley Street Natural Park. Apparently the site used to be a depot, served by the railway, from which London’s coal merchants would collect their wares. What with the Clean Air Act, central heating and so forth, the place fell into desuetude. Nature took it over and the local green types – fine fellows to man and, indeed, a woman – fought off the developers when they started slavering over it. Today it is a splendid place that can offer peace to the jaded Londoner, educational outings to school children and refuge to the wanted gorilla.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

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