Friday, November 05, 2010

Lord Bonkers' Diary: My new friends, the Conservatives

So what are our Conservative friends like? It has been what the young people call “a steep learning curve” for me as, until recently, I generally saw Tories from the saddle as we hunted them across the fields of Leicestershire and Rutland. I recall a good run a county councillor gave us until he went to earth near Billesdon Coplow...

Anyway, in the spirit of cross-party co-operation, I here offer pen portraits of a few of my new colleagues.

My older readers will recall that popular programme from the early days of the moving television, “Have a Go with Eric Pickles”. With his catchphrases “Are yer courting?” and “Give him the money, Barney”, Pickles soon became a household name. He disappeared from our screens amid persistent rumours that he had eaten one of the Dagenham Girl Pipers, but later resurfaced as MP for Brentwood and is now Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government.

George Osborne, a scion of the biscuit dynasty, made his first worker redundant at the age of 10. His parents must have been so proud.

A little bird told me that, had the Conservatives won an overall majority, then Nadine Dorries would have been prevailed upon to accept my Outer Space portfolio. I take it as a tribute to Nick Clegg’s skill as a negotiator that he was able to win the post for a Liberal Democrat.

Iain Duncan Smith is known as “the quiet man”. I am told that he intends to revolutionise the Social Security system in Britain, but am unable to hear a word he says.

In 1977, at the age of 8, William Hague brought the Conservative Conference to its feet with his peroration: “I hate Socialism and, besides, you lot will soon be dead anyway”. Thirty-three years later, now aged 87, he is Foreign Secretary. Isn’t it strange how things turn out?

“Do you know Theresa May?” a civil servant asked during one of my first visits to my new department. “No,” I replied, “but I am grateful for the tip.”

Earlier this week

Autumn has come to Rutland
At the first hint of an asteroid


Cornishjim said...

Pointless fact about our 'partners' little Liam Fox considers himself an expert on defence because he put in a part time stint as GP to the Defence School of Languages here in Beaconsfield.
Now DSL in the least military establishment in the country (basically a school where the odd person (and some of them very odd) wears uniform).
Half his patients (some of whom I believe survived) were foreign types (often of a dusky hue). This experience is clearly enough to be head honcho at the MoD.
Most famous student of DSL, incidently is Mummar Ghadafi.
What is it with jumped up GPs and the military I remember Dr David Owen getting the date of Trafalgar wrong - granted it was to a bunch of students who had no idea which month, let alone day it was. And the less said about my former MP 'Dr Death' Harris the better.

dreamingspire said...

...and Mabel at the table. but today's Pickles reminds me of Humpty Dumpty, whereas I remember the pianist Pickles as lean and hungry looking.