Lord Bonkers' Diary: I strongly advise you to give your bargepole the day off

Grant Shapps announced his campaign for leadership of the Conservative Party on 9 July 2022 and withdrew from the race on 12 July, If he doesn't get a seat in the new prime minister's cabinet he may return to his business activities.

In that eventuality, this guide to his various aliases may prove invaluable.

Friday

As is widely known in Westminster circles, the Secretary of State for Transport has a history of trading under names other than his given one of Grant Shapps. When asked to list said names, many will come up with Michael Green, Corinne Stockheath and Sebastian Fox. 

There are, however, many more and I am including them here as a public service: Dave Formula, Dom Estos, Jim Prideaux, Lene Lovich, Hann Redwin, Elvis Paisley, Toby Esterhase, Uncle Quentin, the Suffragan Bishop of Bosworth, Abdul the India Rubber Boy, the Dowager Duchess of Worksop, Alec and Eric Bedser, Rear Admiral Morgan-Giles, Sutherland Brothers and Quiver, Lord Melbury, Count Alucard, Queen Salote of Tonga, the Very Revd Gonville ffrench-Beytagh, the Peggy Inverarity Harmonica Rascalettes and Dobbin. 

Should you be offered a business proposition in any of these names, I strongly advise you to give your bargepole the day off as said proposition may arguably exhibit a degree of curvature not unconnected with that of a nine-bob note. (That’s the last time I let the lawyers loose on my diary.)

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

Earlier this week in Lord Bonkers' Diary

• When Penny and Kemi banged Rishi’s head on the floor
• The Revd Hughes has taken refuge in the crypt beneath St Asquith’s
• Every Tuesday evening at a discreet establishment in Roehampton
• There I swing from bough to bough