How I foresaw the European referendum campaign (with some help from Stanley Unwin)

There has not been a Liberal Revue at the Liberal Democrat Conference for a while now, but in a couple of its later appearances I did a Stanley Unwin tribute act.

The first of these explained Vince Cable's taxation policy when he was our shadow chancellor.

The second tackled Ming Campbell's call for a referendum.on Britain's membership of the European Union.

I forget why he made it - it's all a long time ago.

Anyway, my explanation went something like this.

I have been asked – all polite and requesty – by Ming the Merciflold to explain to you our new polytito on the European Unibode. 

Though confdentimost, conference, if there’s a mercifold one in that marriage, it’s Elspeth. Indeedy-ho! 

Now historibold, which is of the oldest, we have the European wars. Schlesswig versy Holstein. Alsace versy Lorraine. And all huffalo dowder until the Congress of Viennit with the replay at Villy Park next Tuesday. 

In 1945 there is a new thorcus. All the natiomost of Europe join together in a peacy.
And from this we have the joy of the Eurovision song contest. All boom and bangit with Sandy Shore, Cliff Richibold – there’s a falolloper – and the Bucksy Fizz. 

This, of course, is the home of the Norveige nul points – and sulky up the fijord ever since. 

Fundamold to this new Europe is the swap and trade it. At first we have it all back and forward across the borders with “please have your passy portit open for inspection”. 

And this is of a great waste of time, with estimate have it and 20 billion Euro a year – and that’s without the countit and the declimly point in the wrong place! 

Unfortumost – all shame and sobit – the Britly people are not keen and soldy. What they ask of the Britly passport? What of the pound and perch and of the Queen and reignit herself? 

Hear their cryimost: give me bendy bananas or death and end it! 

For this Ming has a new thorcus – ingenimost though it is. We have the referendium. 

A refererndium – moreover and extramost – not on the Constitutioner but on the whole goddam Euroimost shooting match. 

In or out, matey? That’s the question. We can’t shakeabout any longer, despite the poply song with the knees up and bunting. 

So how is run and work it, this referendium? All puzzlibod, I hear you. 

Here in Britly we have a tradition of the firsty past the post. Or as we say, the cross and stuffit. 

We Libby Dems have a prefer of the PR. And not only that, but the single and transfer it in the multimember too. 

Here we have the long ballot and the placey of the one with the favourite and two and threep – and add 07 if you want Brian to stay in the kitchy, indeedy ho! 

With the referendium the words on the bally paper – the precise and askit of the question – becomes of the importimost. 

And conference I can reveal to you – alone and exclusimost – the verbatim and word for word of it. 

And I quotey: 

“Have you stopped beaty of the wife and stay in Europe. Or do you want to lose your job and employit with the folly of a no?” 

If we don’t mention of the bendy banana we’ll be home and squeakit with that one. 

No questions? Deep joy.

And that was pretty much how the campaign turned out. Except that someone did mention bananas and we lost.