Monday, June 01, 2020

Lord Bonkers' Diary: "It's like a peach, dearie"

You join us for another week at Bonkers Hall. When Lord Bonkers wrote this entry it was not publicly known that Brian May had been seriously ill. But I should report, in fairness to the old boy, that he remarked at the time: "Buttock injuries can be awkward things. You should always take a buttock seriously."


Ever since Dr Brian May, lead guitarist of The Queen, caused terrible damage to his glutei maximi in what has been described as a “bizarre gardening accident” I have been inundated with letters enquiring after the health of my own gardener Meadowcroft. Is, they ask, everything tickety-boo in the bottom department? 

This presents me with a difficult problem. Even if the rules on social distancing (which we are observing to the letter here at the Hall) allowed it, one can hardly go up to a chap and ask him how his buttocks are. Normally I would settle such questions by asking the headmaster of one of our leading public schools to secrete himself in my shrubbery, observe Meadowcroft surreptitiously and then give his opinion, but that avenue is closed to me at present. 

Yesterday I hit upon the idea of consulting the Wise Woman of Wing by Zoom and asking her to view the bottom in question remotely through the use of magic. This morning I receive her opinion: "It’s like a peach, dearie, and that’ll be 7/6." Well, it’s reassuring to know and at least it was cheaper than asking the Elves of Rockingham Forest.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

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