Lord Bonkers' Diary: The Procurator Fiscal at Dingwall

It was a very opportune telegram for the old boy. I'll say no more than that.

When I was on holiday in Scotland years ago there was a story on the local TV news about a man who had gone for a walk in the hills and dropped dead. It ended with the words "... and the Procurator Fiscal at Dingwall has been informed." I have always remembered what an august personage he sounded.

Saturday

Two weeks have passed since that Friday’s Unfortunate Events. It happened that I received a telegram the next morning that begged me to lend my experience to our campaigns in the Highlands of Scotland, so I had my bags packed and was off to my Scottish home at Brig O’Dread at once, leaving strict instructions for the village green to be thoroughly cleaned. (Fortunately, I know some former associates of Violent Bonham Carter who are acknowledged experts in the field.) 

When I reached the Land of the Mountain and the Flood, I wasted no time in taking to the doorsteps. There I received a great reception, but took the precaution of wearing a false moustache over my real moustache lest I attracted attention and someone reported me to the Procurator Fiscal at Dingwall. 

Yesterday’s results showed that I was able to tip the balance as my summoners had hoped, but it would be ungenerous of me not to pay tribute to the part in my success played by Alex Cole-Hamilton.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

Earlier this week...

• A cloud passes over the sun
• In return for a chunky donation
• Drinking gin with Matron
• Bouncing through custard on a Spacehopper
• Too close to the wicker hare