Lord Bonkers' Diary: Above all, Liberal MPs from the 1970s

What's this? Friction between Lord Bonkers and the Well-Behaved Orphans? It's all too reminiscent of the Mutiny of 1928.

Friday

Despite the security precautions I take to prevent undesirable characters – estate agents, advertising executives and, above all, Liberal MPs from the 1970s – getting into the Home for Well-Behaved Orphans, its young inmates have always proved distressingly adept at getting out. I come across a group of them by the village pond feeding dry bread to the Bird of Liberty as it swims about squawking. They enquire after my health as they have heard that the elderly are particularly vulnerable to this damned virus.

I fear they are in for a disappointment: I took the precaution of stocking up on the tonic sold by the Elves of Rockingham Forest when my agents in China first told me that things were amiss, and only this morning I had intercourse with the Wise Woman of Wing, who sold me some of her choicest herbs. There is life in this old dog yet.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

Previously in Lord Bonkers' Diary

Made from the scrotum of the Rutland gazelle

Wearing his wartime gas mask

A particularly amusing item about the Duke of Rutland

A foul-smelling creature of uncertain temper