Lord Bonkers' Diary: Much fun may be had from a pig sty

A welcome reappearance by Albert, who long ago wandered into these diaries from A.A. Milne's Toad of Toad Hall. And if this satire is crude, then so is the government it is satirising.

Tuesday

Nowadays the average Conservative is interested in but one thing: money. This allows those of us who are more liberal-minded to have sport with them. 

All you need do is securely tie a fiver to a length of string and wait in the saddle until a Tory happens along. Then, having made sure he has sighted your fiver, you set off across country at a brisk trot: your victim is sure to follow. 

Lead him across ploughed fields, over stiff thorn hedges or into a bog as the fancy takes you. Much fun may be had from a pig sty and even more from the many rivers stuffed with sewage by Thérèse Coffey. 

As my loyal carthorse and habitual mount for this purpose, Albert, remarked the other day: "It’s better than the pictures."

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West 1906-10.

Earlier this week...

• We no longer teach even the half Opik

Boris Johnson's 2019 purge will haunt the Tories for years to come

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If Rishi Sunak was meant to offer a fresh start, then his first cabinet was deeply disappointing. There was little sign of a cabinet of all the talents, made possible by the soothing of old enmities, beyond the return of Michael Gove.

In fact it's hard not to be depressed at many of the names he brought back or kept on yesterday: Gavin Williamson, Suella Braverman, Dominic Raab, Thérèse Coffey.

If you try to come up with a list of four more encouraging names, you are likely to come up with something like: David Gauke, Dominic Grieve, Justine Greening, Rory Stewart.

Trouble is, none of that four is still in the Commons. All were among the 21 Conservative MPs who lost the whip in September 2019 for, in effect, voting against a no-deal Brexit.

Gauke  and Grieve stood as Independents in the general election later that year, while the other two did not defend their seats under any label.

It's clear that Boris Johnson's 2019 purge will continue to hurt his party for years to come, and not just because it cannot spare people of that talent.

If the Conservative Party is to have a future that does not involve a permanent shift to being the English Nationalist Party, then at some point the moderates are going to have to fight back.

And if they are going to do so, those moderates and the party as a whole will need a leader - a Tory version of Neil Kinnock, if you will.

It's possible to imagine that such a figure can be found among the four names I chose. It's much harder to imagine he or she is to be found in Sunak's new cabinet.