Lord Bonkers' Diary: I set off with the Well-Informed Orphan

It always snows at Christmas in Rutland, or at least on the Bonkers Hall Estate, which makes me think that it must be part of 'the old England' described by T.H. White.

And BBC Radio 4 used to broadcast a humorous play, Crisp and Even Brightly, which starred Timothy West and claimed to portray the real events behind the carol Good King Wenceslas. It may have given me the idea for this diary entry.

Follow the link and you'll find the whole thing on YouTube.

Sunday

There I was at my Home for Well-Behaved Orphans on Boxing Day with a sack of presents (chocolate for the inmates, gin for Matron), when I happened to glance out of the window and spied a fellow whom I did not recognise gathering winter fuel. 

A passing orphan, who proved not only Well Behaved but also Well Informed, told me that the aforementioned scavenger lived in the Rutland Alps near the forest fence (erected, no doubt, by my ancestors to stop the environment getting out) and next to a fountain (which must be Very Handy). 

What with it being Christmas and all, I sent to the Hall for cold drumsticks, a bottle of my second-best claret and some pine logs. When they arrived I set off with the Well-Informed Orphan to deliver them.

The snow was deep and crisp and even, and the WIO found the going rather heavy. Luckily, I was wearing my patent Steam-Heated Boots for Winter Focus Delivery, so I advised him to tread in my footsteps. He reported that heat was in the very sod I had printed – at least, I think that’s what he said. 

We found the fuel-gatherer by the fountain and, I am pleased to report, the cold chicken and wine were well received. Unfortunately, the pine logs had all been used to fuel my boots.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

Previously in Lord Bonkers' Diary

• Keep the flag of freedom burning