Lord Bonkers' Diary: From Whissendine to Essendine

You have to hand it to the old boy: he called this one right.

Wednesday

Never mind Bournemouth: the talk of the Bonkers’ Arms when I call in this morning is the rumour that Boris Johnson is to desert Uxbridge and stand for Rutland and Melton instead.

One regular tells me the prime minister is already known to have fathered children from Whissendine to Essendine; another has it on good authority that he has been taking technology lessons in the red-light district of Uppingham; a third tells me Johnson has given the address of the crime correspondent of the High Leicestershire Radical to a school friend so he can have him beaten up.

By the time I return to the pub this evening it has been settled by the regulars that this rumour is what the young people call ‘fake news’.

Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South West, 1906-10.

Previously in Lord Bonkers' Diary:

• The Well-Behaved Orphans have been carefully measured
• Buckled inside the large wicker hamper